Gone Too Soon
This morning, I opened up my Facebook to two more suicides following the recent suicide of Kate Spade. Normally, I don't share my story in the vulnerable setting such as social media but I feel very strongly that it is time... Please note that I've taken the time to choose my words carefully and my heart is for those feeling hopeless, depressed, lonely and hurting. I've taken the time to consider my family and their reactions to this as well.
Not many things in my life have come easy. As a baby, my parents divorced and my dad wasn't around for ninety percent of my childhood. I experienced abandonment, trust issues, confusion and grief as a young girl; wondering why my dad wasn't around to be my dad. There were times of giving him chances but more often than not, I proved not to be a priority in his life. As a stubborn girl, I decided I needed to protect my heart and asked him not to contact me because I couldn't take the heart ache of him deciding when he wanted to be around. All I wanted was a full- time dad to love and protect me as he should want to.
My mom was a rock. She was tough, she persevered, she endured and yet she was so sweet. She never said a bad thing about my dad, always letting me make my decisions regarding him and stood by me. She was the most fierce protector of me. She knew when I was hurting or uncomfortable and did all that she could to protect me. My mom loved the Lord. I remember so many nights walking into her bedroom and she was reading either her Bible or her favorite book, "The Power of a Praying Parent". She often said she would pray that we would get caught if we ever did anything naughty. (If that isn't intense, I'm not sure what is... haha!) We would memorize Bible verses together. The last verse we memorized together was John 10:10 "The theif comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come that I might give you life and life abundantly." Most mornings when I would wake up, my mom would have one of her favorite pastors on the TV while she drank her coffee and got ready. Many times she would preach to us what was just preached to her, which is every high schoolers dream, of course. ;) She always taught us that we could do whatever we set our minds to. She helped out at church, helping less fortunate single mothers, and lead Alpha Bible Study tables. My mom was the most beautiful woman ever. She lit up every room she walked in to. This was confirmed to me many times especially after she passed away.
My mom passed away on August 13th, 2010. Her death was a complete surprise; not a single person expected it. My mom took her life. There was not one indication to any of her family members that she was feeling depressed, let alone suicidal. On Facebook, I saw a person comment that if people just had more hope, they wouldn't take their own lives. But I think it's beyond that. I think we must have our hope in Jesus, but we also need to open up about mental illness. Some of these people, just like my mom, loved and served Jesus. Some of these people, like Robin Williams, brought us more laugher and joy than anyone else. Some of these people, like Kate Spade, created beautiful things that made us feel more cute and stylish.
Mental illness doesn't fit a stigma. Mental illness IS. It can be something that is hereditary, it can be situational, it can be something that is tucked away and not dealt with. Mental illness looks different from person to person. Mental illness is me. Even though I struggle with anxiety and situational depression, it does not define me. It's part of my story, not my whole story.
John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I've experienced many heartaches and troubles but I know that the Lord has overcome all of my heart aches. He is greater than my deepest pain. Through all the trouble I have faced, I have sensed the Lords peace within me, protecting and guiding me.
If you are struggling with mental illness, or are feeling lonely, sad or depressed, please know you are not the only one. Please reach out. Reach out to me! There is no judgement, there is only hope and peace that surpasses all understanding that only comes from Jesus.
May Jesus bless and guide you always.
-Brooke
